


Sessions

by gillyAnne



Series: Courage Is A Woman [3]
Category: Sex Education (TV), The Fall (TV 2013)
Genre: F/F, Gen, Therapy, relationship therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-20 01:33:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17612921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gillyAnne/pseuds/gillyAnne
Summary: "It’s easy, really. I ask questions, you answer them, and sometimes you find yourself asking a question you never knew you had no answer to."When Stella looks for Jean's help through therapy she gains a friend.





	Sessions

**Author's Note:**

> This is set after "Courage Is A Woman" and "White Christmas", both stories with my version of Stella and Scully... If you've read them, this will make more sense and have more body.

Three knocks on the door took Jean out of her reverie. She looked at the words on the screen in front of her and sighed deeply before shutting her laptop. She gathered her notebook and stood, smoothing down the front of her blouse. ‘Coming,’ she called as she moved to open the front door to reveal her first client for the day.

This would be their first meeting – She’d talked via e-mail to Stella Gibson, exchanging some vital information and some background for Jean to get started on a profile before their first meeting was to happen. This way their initial contact would be less awkward for the client, and Jean found it useful to build a rapport before meeting with someone, however Stella had been vague and withholding in her communication. Jean had the idea that there was some very deeply rooted pain and other problems that she was going to have to dig up, but she was interested in the story and the woman so she was rather looking forward to meeting her in person. Jean opened the door to reveal her client and she was immediately stricken by what she saw.

In front of her stood a woman, small in stature but great in posture as she was seemingly ready to attack this head on although her gaze was slightly guarded. Her blond locks fell over her shoulders in immaculate curls, each of similar size. Her long coat covered most of her blouse and pant ensemble, and her high heeled pumps gave her that extra elegance. Jean tried not to draw conclusions based off of her first impression and strong instincts but it was clear that this woman was not afraid of sex. But even though the mask she saw was seemingly strong and perfected by years and years of forced practice Jean knew that mask and she knew it well.  She also knew that if she was good at her job there would be cracks in that mask, and tears would flow through them to freedom as this woman would be released of her charade. If she truly was who Jean thought she might be, and if she truly, profoundly wanted to be helped.

‘Hello,’ Jean smiled at her. ‘Come in.’ The woman cocked an eyebrow at her and held out a hand. ‘I’m Stella Gibson,’ she introduced herself kindly and Jean took a step forward to shake the woman’s hand. ‘Sorry, I don’t make a habit out of introducing myself. We already met and some find it too personal. Jean Milburn.’ Stella nodded. ‘I understand.’ Jean turned and walked inside, waiting for Stella to follow her. ‘Come in,’ she said, indicating towards the chair in front of her. Stella stood in the doorway for a second to observe the area as if she was deciding whether she wanted to be there or not. Whether it was safe.

‘Thank you,’ Stella said as she sat down and focused her attention on Jean. ‘So,’ Jean started. ‘This is our first session, so I’d like to start by telling you what my purpose is. I’m here to help you, and that’s all. This is a safe environment, completely confidential and nothing you say will impact or alter my opinion of you in any way. We’re here to figure out how to help you, so I want you to feel like you can share.’ Stella nodded, shifting in her chair. ‘I have to say I’ve never done this before,’ she said softly but strongly, ‘so it’s a little new for me.’ Jean nodded. ‘That’s understandable. It’s easy, really. I ask questions, you answer them, and sometimes you find yourself asking a question you never knew you had no answer to.’ Stella raised her chin a little. ‘All right.’

‘From your emails I gathered that there’s really two separate problems here that may or may not be related,’ Jean started. Stella nodded, waiting. ‘Can you describe them to me?’ Jean asked and Stella shrugged, uncharacteristically lost for words. ‘I told you in the emails,’ she said defensively but not rudely. Jean nodded. ‘You did, but I’d like to hear it from you.’ Stella sighed. ‘Okay.’ She shifted a little straighter in the brown leather chair across from Jean and focused her gaze on a picture on the wall. Jean watched as Stella identified the picture as two women embracing intimately and a wave of sadness crossed her open face before a small smile appeared. Stella diverted her eyes to the hands clasped in front of her before defiantly meeting Jean’s eyes.

‘People have often described me as a man-eater. An ice queen who doesn’t care what others think of her and who just takes what she needs. But I wasn’t always like that.’ ‘Does it bother you?’ Jean interrupted quietly. ‘It doesn’t,’ Stella answered honestly, ‘I make sure it doesn’t get in the way of my career, but I don’t sacrifice myself for what other people might say about me. I don’t get involved in that kind of political bullshit. But recently I’ve thought about how I’d like to be somewhat different.’ ‘For someone else?’ Jean asked. ‘Or for yourself?’ Stella’s lips cornered up in a non-smile before diverting to the picture again in that straight familiar line of fear mixed with reluctance. ‘There is someone who brought it about, yes. But mostly I’d like to value intimate contact differently.’ ‘Explain,’ Jean said, before writing something down. ‘Well,’ Stella started, swallowing deeply before she continued. ‘I have been hurt in the past and I hurt a lot, as well. I respect and value others but I see how they might perceive it differently. I find it difficult to engage with them beyond a mere satisfaction of mutual needs.’ ‘But with this person it’s different, how?’ Jean asked carefully. She already knew the answer from Stella’s eyes. ‘It is,’ Stella wondered aloud. ‘She is the first one in a very long time that makes me feel something.’

Jean swallowed, trying to ignore the similarities to her own private life.

‘And is that a good thing or a bad thing?’ she asked, trying to focus on gaining Stella’s trust but also asking the hard questions instead of turning her gaze inward too much. ‘Actually,’ Stella started, ‘It’s made me realize what I’m missing out on. I don’t know if that’s something that I’ve just always ignored or if that’s something I’m only now starting to feel.’ ‘Well there you go,’ Jean stated, ‘That’s a good place to start. She makes you feel something and it makes you question your past and present relationships and how you conduct them. Why? What do you do that you want to do differently with her?’ Stella sighed. She knew Jean already had this information – she’d written quite extensively about her past relationships because she wanted to avoid talking about them too much. However, Jean kept her eyes on her, smiling gently, inviting her to tell it all anyway. And she knew that if she truly wanted to grow with Dana that she’d have to talk about it.

‘My father died when I was a little girl,’ Stella started and her eyes traveled to Jean’s. ‘I’ve spent my entire life taking that out on other men.’ Jean nodded. ‘Tell me how.’ Stella sighed, the young woman inside of her pleading with Jean not to open the chapter where she resided. ‘No,’ Stella said sternly, ‘it doesn’t matter.’ Jean pursed her lips and leaned forward slightly. ‘It does, Stella,’ she said gently. ‘Let me make you some tea before we continue.’ Stella nodded and searched the room to look out of the window to her right.

Jean wandered into the kitchen and made tea in two flowery cups. She had clients like this before, ones that told a variation of her own story and touched her deeply, but she knew how to deal with it. Still, she felt an obligation to her client to help her, to be honest with her and to make sure she knew she could trust Jean because she already gathered that Stella Gibson’s trust wasn’t sprinkled around lightly. In fact, there was probably very little chance of her coming back after today if Jean only said one wrong word. She was very intrigued by her though, and the mere fact that she was here was a surprise to Jean but a delight as well. She carried the two cups back to her office and handed one to Stella who took it from her, offering her a smile in gratitude.

‘Do you believe in soulmates?’ Stella asked as Jean sat back down. Jean raised her eyebrow and looked at Stella for a second. ‘Uh… No,’ she replied, regaining her footing. ‘No, I don’t.’ Stella focused on her tea. ‘No, neither did I.’ Jean sighed. ‘I believe in the science behind it, and I believe in attraction. I mean, sex doesn’t have to be about love. It’s different when it is, there’s more at stake.’ Stella nodded. ‘Sex without love is easy for me. It always has been.’ ‘Do you use men to take something, or do you need them to give you something when you’re having sex?’ Jean asked Stella. Stella put her cup down, shifted in her seat and found the painting on the wall again. ‘I used to want them to care for me. To keep me safe.’ Jean nodded, she’d expected this answer. ‘But when I grew older I came to realize that the only way to find comfort for me was to take control of the one thing I always had.’ Jean angled her head and continued to look at Stella, encouraging her to finish the thought that was forming in her mind. She didn’t, but skipped on to the next. ‘I got hurt a few times in my late teens and early twenties, and that’s when the shift happened,’ Stella said. ‘I learned to take and not have it be about care or love. Sex is about satisfying an emotional and physical need for me.’ The scratches of Jean’s pen were the only sounds in the room for a few seconds and Stella sighed uncomfortably. ‘It’s the only way I know how to be,’ she added. She allowed Jean to meet her eyes and she was glad when she didn’t see pity there, just support and understanding. ‘Is that something you’re comfortable with when you’re with her?’ Jean’s emphasis on the word ‘her’ triggered a sad smile on Stella’s face – Her, she, the wondrous creature that had triggered so much and Stella realized she was worth every single time she’d feel ashamed or uncomfortable here if it meant they could have a healthy relationship. If that was even something that she could do. ‘Dana,’ she said softly, ‘her name is Dana.’

‘When you’re with Dana,’ Jean repeated. ‘When you’re having sex with her, are you taking from her as well? Do you need to be in control?’ Stella shook her head lightly. ‘That’s the thing,’ she whispered. ‘I want to but I don’t, and I try but I fail, and then she says she needs me to be there with her and I don’t know what that means but I also know that I’m not good at it.’ ‘Are you seeing anyone else to talk about this?’ Jean asked, because even though she was specialized in sexual and emotional relationships she had a feeling this went much, much deeper for Stella Gibson and they were only skimming the outer edges of a valley so deep that there was no way Stella could safely navigate it by herself. ‘Yes, I am,’ Stella said, surprising Jean yet again. ‘I have a psychologist.’ ‘That’s good,’ Jean said, giving Stella a moment before continuing. ‘So, back to your relationship with Dana,’ she said after a few counts. ‘You said in your email that you haven’t really been together. I imagine it’s hard to not know where you’re standing.’ Stella nodded. ‘We met under impossible circumstances and I feared we’d lose touch after we both returned home, but we didn’t. She spent New Year’s here and that was the moment I decided I need to change. We… We didn’t have sex when she visited me, at first. I don’t even know why.’ She shook her head in trepidation. ‘You know why,’ Jean said quietly. ‘I want you to do something. Write it down when you think about her. Write down what you feel and what you feel you want.’ Jean noticed the slight shiver that ran down Stella’s back. ‘I… Okay,’ Stella conceded. ‘That’s uncomfortable for you,’ Jean observed. ‘Why?’ Stella swallowed and when she met Jean’s eyes again there were quiet, aggressive, unshed tears. ‘I used to keep a dream diary. As an investigative resource, I kept my notes there, images my subconscious mind brought to me while I was sleeping. It got… Taken from me on the job. I don’t trust the page anymore.’ Jean could only guess as to the story behind Stella’s eyes as it seemed to go much, much deeper to the deepest depth and darkest place in Stella’s heart. It also seemed to be directly tied to Dana, this mysterious woman that had taken Stella’s heart and tried to fill it with anything other than darkness. ‘Okay,’ Jean said, ‘You don’t have to write it down. Keep a document. On your computer, on your phone, it doesn’t have to be a text, it can be words. Words are often meaningful.’ Stella looked down at her hands again. ‘I’ll try,’ she said. Jean nodded. ‘Okay, that’s all I can ask you to do, but be prepared that trying might not be enough if you really want behavior to change.’ Stella met her eyes and warmed a little. ‘Sorry,’ she stated carefully, ‘I’m not used to talking about myself so much and I feel like I’ve been doing nothing else lately. It’s strangely unsettling.’ ‘You’re changing,’ Jean said softly and reassuringly. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you and you seem like you know that. It was your choice to come here and I commend you on your courage, but the next steps also have to begin with you.’ ‘And with Dana,’ Stella said mostly to herself, seemingly lost in thought. ‘Yes,’ Jean nodded. ‘She’s the key to your emotional desires and that’s a wonderful thing. Let it happen, but be aware of it. Awareness of ones actions can give rare insights into the psychology of the brain.’ Stella rubbed her temple with slightly quivering fingers. ‘I don’t mean to hurt them,’ she said, with no particular reason or intention. Jean closed the notebook she’d been writing in and put it down next to her. ‘No,’ she said,’ ‘and you did nothing to deserve to get hurt the way you did. But you did. It’s not something we can control, it’s how we move on that will define us.’

Stella left Jean’s house feeling out of balance and quiet. Jean was left with the view of blonde curls walking up her driveway, bouncing confidently, as the woman straightened her shoulders and stretched her neck. A carefully crafted mask, she mused – but not one that was hard or impermeable in any way. Stella Gibson was a woman of strong beliefs and boundaries, and she’d encountered someone with disregard for both of them, and it had thrown her off. The surprising nature of the simple fact that Stella had been wildly unprepared for Dana had opened up locks around her heart that she’d tried to seal for life, and without knowing it she’d not only granted Dana access to her heart but she’d also given her the keys to do with whatever she pleased. Jean saw all of this. She felt it, and she feared it. She had always feared heartbreak and she hated seeing it in front of her, but it was always easier to deal with someone else’s pain than it was to deal with her own so she welcomed her patients with open arms. Stella Gibson was one of those rare cases that put cracks in the wall. The wall between therapist and person, lover, woman, heartbroken young mother with a son to take care of that had been built by her ex-husband and his conquests. Like her, Stella seemed to have no problem using others to satisfy her sexual needs – something more women should learn how to do – and like her Stella had heartbreak in her past. It fascinated Jean to see their differences but notice more and more similarities as time progressed – maybe, just maybe, Stella Gibson wasn’t so different from her.


End file.
